Hard Core

Thursday 9 February, 2012

08:40 - Snick. Beep. 109 mg/dL. Still not under 100. The real goal for me is to be under 90 in the morning but I have not been there very often. There's many different schools of thought out there about what serum glucose should be but I believe in tight control. I need tight control because I don't have good discipline and self control when it comes to food. That makes living a long time without super major complications a lot tougher than it would be if I had some self discipline.

My 8 year old is back at school and all better now except for one bloodshot eye. I guess the looming specter of missing last night's pizza party was all it took to facilitate instant healing. Well, that and $20 for the doctor to tell us that nothing is wrong now. So the house is back to normal and there's even more eggs in the fridge this morning. Oddly enough, when I'm at the fridge getting the eggs, I notice a brand new gallon of apple juice sitting right next to the gallon of milk with the sugar-free chocolate syrup stuck right there between them. Funny how I couldn't find it a couple of nights ago.

I fry one egg and decide to get the scale out and see what 1 ounce of shredded cheddar really looks like. I want to know how much I've been over doing it all these years. To my surprise, I've been under doing it actually. By about half. So today I'm going to celebrate and actually melt 1 ounce of shredded cheddar on my egg and top it with 2 Tbsp of salsa. I grab my last Carbmaster yogurt and I know that I'm probably going to be sharing it with my boys.

This is a 5 gram of carbs breakfast and I debate whether or not to inject any NovoLog insulin at all and finally decide on 1 unit. I'm not really sure if 1 unit is actually a functional injection or not but I'm a little gun shy this morning and don't want to over do it. I've got nothing planned today. I may or may not ride on the trainer. I may or may not work out. I'm still sore from the last two days and I know that I'm leaning much more strongly toward the may not than the may so in my mind I'm just figuring on the may not. That's funny too because today I'm going to talk about:

Fitness Rule # 5: Exercise.

Before we discuss exercise I want to mention that I'm not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV and it's been a long long time since I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express. So when in doubt check it out. If you have any doubt about your ability to safely exercise go see your doctor and find out. I think I'm a pretty normal guy. Average height and average weight. Nothing I can do is too exceptional so I think my advice is going to be for normal people too. You have to decide if you're normal or not.

Exercise will make you a much healthier person that can live a much more functional life a lot longer than if you don't exercise. Fitness is defined differently for everyone, so you have to decide what fitness for you is and how fit you want to be. A little time with a certified personal trainer can help you immensely with that. Fitness does not take a lot of time. But it can. Fitness should and can be something you enjoy. Yes it is work but it's worth the work. You are worth the work.

First let me say that there is a monstrous amount of information out there about fitness and working out and exercising so I'm not going to reinvent the wheel here. What I am going to do is share some of my strong opinions on the subject. If you can barely reach over and grab the remote without getting out of breath and working up a sweat, or if you are already a total fitness freak, I believe that I have valuable information for you here.

First let me say what exercise is not. Exercise is not parking further away from WalMart so you can walk 64 extra steps today.  Exercise is not gardening or mowing the lawn or vacuuming or doing the dishes. Exercise is not letting the dog out in the back yard and standing out there with him for 10 minutes playing fetch. Exercise is not picking up the dog poop either. And it's not changing poopie diapers or chasing the kids around the house. Those things are life. Not exercise.

I don't believe in recreation for exercise either. Bowling is not exercise. Neither is darts or taking the kids swimming. Golf is not exercise and neither is dawdling around on a bicycle. Even things like walking and rollerblading and throwing the Frisbee might not and probably won't be exercise. If you can comfortably wear makeup and perfume while doing it, it's probably not exercise. No need to pretend. No need to fool yourself. Recreation is fine and fun and it will contribute to your health but recreation is not exercise.

Exercise requires sacrifice - I'm not talking about no pain no gain. I'm talking about a time commitment, however small. I'm talking about some difficulty. Stress. Exercise should stress and strain your muscles and your lungs and your circulatory system. It should be hard. Hard core might be a better word for it. Exercise should be hard core. I'm not talking about screaming and grunting, but it should make you feel like doing that. There should be sweat and plenty of it. If you are going to exercise you need to push yourself. Each time. You have to commit to the sacrifice of pushing yourself each and every time. Exercise without pushing yourself is wasted exercise. So have some respect for yourself. Sacrifice and push yourself because you are worth it and your family deserves it.

who's burning fat?

To lose weight build muscle - Fat doesn't burn fat. Muscle burns fat. If you want to lose weight you need to or should burn fat. Most of us have plenty of it. The best way to burn fat is sleeping. At least it's the easiest most enjoyable way that I know of. I'm not saying that sleeping is exercise. I'm just saying that if you build muscle you will burn more fat all the time, every day, and all day long. To build muscle you have to apply stress to those muscles so that they adapt by becoming larger and stronger.

A lot of women are reluctant to build muscle because they don't want to look like a man freak. Fair enough. Let me assure you that you will not look like that. I promise that your muscles won't become too big or look odd in any way. Just like me, you probably don't have that kind of genetic potential. Trust me, you've got nothing to worry about just like I have nothing to worry about. I've been lifting weights for the last 29 years and I have yet to develop man freak muscles. I still have all my soft gentle curves and you will keep yours too.

To lose weight build the big muscles - Everyone knows a little bit about muscles and where some of them might be but it doesn't have to be too complicated. You don't have to know what a bicep is or even a bicep brachii. It doesn't matter if you know what obliques are or how many heads you have in your calf muscles. Burning fat is real simple: you need to build the big muscles starting with the legs.

Your biggest baddest fat burning muscles are in your legs so you've got to work your legs. Next is the back and chest. You don't need to call them anything, just work your back and chest. We're not going to worry about our deltoids or triceps or traps and we're not even going to worry about our core. All of that will take care of itself when you build the big muscles. To build the big muscles you need to do resistance training. Some people call it lifting weights. Some people call it working out. I call it exercise. Hard core exercise.

To build the big muscles work hard core - I'm talking to the point of failure hard. It should be uncomfortable. it should hurt. In a good way. Take your effort right up to that very moment where effort is no longer possible. When you stop doing what you're doing, there should be no doubt in your mind that you couldn't have done it any more. And you shouldn't be able to do it again. Work hard. Work hard core. You deserve it.

FAQs

the straight arm plank

What kind of exercise should I do? What ever you enjoy. I like cycling and I also work on building my big muscles. You can walk or run or jog or cycle too. It doesn't matter. Just don't confuse life with exercising. Don't confuse recreation with exercising either. Try to be well rounded. Don't just lift weights. Don't just do yoga. Don't just do the elliptical. Do a variety of things. Just do them hard core. Push yourself hard. If you're not pushing yourself hard your exercise quickly regresses back to recreation and then your recreation quickly regresses back to just being life. What have you really accomplished?

I don't like gyms what can I do? You can do plenty. I've never had a gym membership. And I don't have much equipment. One of my favorite workouts is carrying my 1 year old up and down the three floors of stairs in my house.Then I get my 3 year old on my back and carry him up and down the stairs. Then I get my 6 year old on my back and carry her up and down the stairs. Last I get my 8 year old on my back and carry her up and down the stairs until I can't make it up a flight of stairs any more. Then I get my 6 year old back on my back and keep going until I can't take another step, then the 3 year old, then the one year old. It's one of the hardest and most fun "workouts" I have ever done. Try it - I triple dog dare you.

body weight squats

You don't need weights. Use water filled milk jugs taped shut, or 40 pound bags of solar salt. Or you can get a nice set of multi-select dumbbells like I have. I've got a barbell too and some plates but I don't use a bench. If I need something like a bench I use an exercise ball. That way I'm working my core too. One thing you will need eventually is a way to do a chin-up. For me its a chin-up bar hanging in the kids' playroom door. Drives my wife nuts, but you've eventually got to have one. Just for the reminder if nothing else.

I hate lifting weights. Do I really have to do that? Well, yes and no. You have to work your muscles hard against resistance. You can lift your own weight or the weight of your kids. Or you can actually lift weights. It's up to you.

I hate aerobics. Do I really have to do that? No. You don't have to, but it will build up your respiratory and circulatory system and make you more fit. If you work out with weight a certain way you can be aerobic most of the time anyway, but does it really hurt that bad to mix in a 30 minute walk or spin on the bike or go for a short run?

I'm a fat slob and can barely get up off the couch. How do I start? You (and everyone else too) should start right here:

wall sit

The 5 minute (hard core) workout - do the straight arm plank and hold it with good form for 90 seconds. Immediately do a wall sit  and hold it with good form for 90 seconds. That's it. Really.

Do this hard core workout in the order listed. Work your way up to doing this 3 times a week with good form, holding that form for 90 seconds. When you have reached that level of fitness, advance to doing it 5 days a week. If you master that level of fitness, move up to doing it until failure. If you can't do a straight arm plank start on your elbows or elbows and knees. Google these exercises. There is a ton of information.

I scoff at you! I'm a little beyond your 5 minute workout. What can I do? First of all, have you tried it? It may sound easy but it's hard core. It's plenty hard and will push you. You can stick with it for the rest of your life and be plenty fit. Try it before you scoff and decide you need to move on. I triple dog dare you. But if you really do need more that's fine. Try this:

The 15 minute (hard core) workout - Warm up with 30 solid hard core minutes of aerobic activity. I use cycling on a trainer and then complete the following resistance training exercises:

• Dumbbell (or milk jug or solar salt) squat. Do 1 set of 20 reps
• Push ups. Do 2 sets to failure back to back with chin-ups.
• Chin-ups. Do 2 sets to failure back to back with push ups.
• Dead lift. Do 1 set of 20 reps.
• Straight arm plank. Hold with good form for 90 seconds.
• Wall sit. Hold with good  form for 90 seconds.

dumbbell squat press

That's phase one. Some things of note: Do this hard core workout in the order listed. For the squats and dead lifts use a weight you cannot quite do 20 reps with and go to failure until you can do 20 reps and then increase the weight slightly until you cannot quite do 20 reps again. You should spend no time resting between these exercises. Move from one to the other as fast as you can. When you do the reps, they should feel slow and controlled. Use perfect form. No momentum. Hard core. Focus on what your muscles are doing and how they are feeling. This routine should take no more than 15 minutes. Do this routine no more than 3 times a week. You can stick with this for the rest of your life or after 6 to 8 weeks move on up to phase two:

• Dumbbell squat press. Do 2 sets of 12 reps back to back with push ups and chin-ups.
• Push up. Do 2 sets to failure back to back with squat press and chin-ups.
• Chin-ups. Do 2 sets to failure back to back with squat press and push ups.
• Alternating stiff leg dead lift and regular dead lift combined with upright barbell row. Do one set of 12 reps.
• Straight arm plank. Hold with good form for 90 seconds.
• Wall sit. Hold with good  form for 90 seconds
• Hanging knee raise. Hold good form for 90 seconds.

That's phase two. Use the same hard core principles and hard core guidelines as per phase one and do this for another 6 to 8 weeks. After that you can go back to the 5 minute (hard core) workout and start the process over. Remember no rest between sets and slow, controlled and perfect form. If this becomes mundane for you, then it's time to hit the library and build yourself a new hard core workout with all the knowledge you can gain there. Or drop me an email and I will send you my phase three.

If you employ my hard core opinions about exercise in your war against fat you WILL lose weight. You will also enjoy a high level of fitness and all of the other wonderful benefits that exercise can shine into your life. Just remember that exercise requires sacrifice. If it gets easy for you, you are not working hard core enough and it has devolved from exercise to recreation and will soon devolve again to life. It won't be exercise anymore and you will be breaking Fitness Rule #5. You will quickly find yourself gaining weight and becoming much less fit. Find or invent a new workout. Always remember to build the big muscles by working them hard core. Everything else will take care of itself.

12:51 - Snick. Beep. 115. I guess I needed 2 units of insulin at breakfast. Lunch is more leftovers. 2 ounces of low-carb diabetic loaf of meat atop a piece of cheese toast with 1 ounce of shredded cheddar. That was topped with 2 Tbsp of muffaletta spread. Rounding out this peace sign small plate meal was a cup of steamed broccoli, 7 steamed baby carrots and 5 units of NovoLog insulin to go with the 40 grams of carbs.

19:06 - Snick. Beep. 107. Tonight is soup night. 1 and 1/2 portions of Hot & Sour Soup which will include one egg and a huge salad with 1 ounce of shredded cheddar, some sliced onion, sliced green onion and about 4 Tbsp of muffaletta spread topped with Italian dressing. I need 3 units of insulin to combat the roughly 20 carbs.

23:56 - Snick. Beep. 100. I like that number. I pop a bowl of popcorn to top of my day of rest. Today went from maybe to maybe not to not and I enjoyed the break. Hard core. It was time to rest. Now off to bed.

Morning People

Wednesday February 8, 2012

08:35 - Snick. Beep. 122 mg/dL. Another "no bad number" number for my blood glucose. Just another morning reading. There's a reason why serum glucose is usually higher in the morning and I'll talk about that in a moment. I have taken my Kindergartner to school. My 8 year old is still sick in bed. This morning she threw up in her bed and fortunately got it all in her puke bowl. It's time for breakfast and I thought my wife had gotten more eggs but there was only one left so I grabbed the left over homemade mac & cheese that was mixed with diced ham and frozen peas. I'm planning some Tabata intervals on the bike this afternoon, so I'm carbing up a little bit. (wink wink)

5 units of NovoLog insulin will handle my "no bad number" and my "WHITE DEATH" pasta as I get breakfast ready for my 3 and 1 year old. While I'm eating my power breakfast and feeding my 1 year old, I'm thinking about milk. I had some milk last night for the first time in a long time. I find it very interesting that we humans are the only mammals on this planet that continue to consume milk after being weened.

I'm not anti-milk but milk is not good for diabetics and when people learn that I never drink it they are usually surprised. Most people think you have to drink milk for the calcium. For your bones. I remind them that there's more calcium in a double serving of broccoli than in milk and none of the fat or lactose (sugar) and lots more fiber and other nutrition that milk just can't provide and about a quarter or less of the calories. Milk is not health food. Broccoli is health food.

Fitness Rule #4 - Eat a power breakfast

about 75 carbs

A lot of people skip breakfast. Of those who don't, the average amount of time spent preparing breakfast is just under 13 minutes. That makes sense. We are all pretty busy in the morning. The easiest way to make breakfast is to use the power window at your local drive-thru but when I say power breakfast I don't mean the power window breakfast. Let me get it all right out here up front: don't skip breakfast. Eat breakfast at the right time. Make it a good breakfast. Eat the right things at breakfast. Breakfast is a key component in good health and weight loss and maintenance. It's so important that it is Fitness Rule #4.

Don't skip breakfast - If you have diabetes, you probably know all about the "dawn phenomenon." If you don't, well you've probably never heard of it. Here's what happens. Usually the longest time between meals is from dinner to breakfast, mostly because you're probably asleep. I don't know about you, but I always think I'm hungry later at night. Sometimes my tummy even growls a bit. To take care of this, a lot of people snack before bed. I do too. I would encourage you not to. Eat less and I know it's hard.

about 120 carbs or more

If I don't snack, I usually go to bed thinking I'm a little hungry, or if my wife is watching the Food Network, a lot of hungry. You're probably the same way. Have you ever noticed though, that when you wake up in the morning you aren't hungry right then? Frankly it's easy to skip breakfast in the morning because you're usually the opposite of hungry. Why is that? It's the same reason why diabetics usually have blood glucose readings higher than they think they should be and sometimes abnormally high early in the morning.

As it gets closer to the time of waking up, your body's glands and organs get busy. The glands start secreting hormones that make the body produce its own sugar out of stuff stored up in your liver and your organs start pumping that sugar into your blood and through your circulatory system. This sugar gets in your cells and starts making energy. In other words, everything that is happening in your body before you even wake up is basically stealing foods thunder. Your body is doing food's job and sometimes it even makes you fat.

sugar with sugar on top filled with fatty sugar

At the same time, with the flow of sugar coursing through your veins, your pancreas secretes insulin from the beta cells to help transport that sugar into your body's cells. The trouble with insulin, if your pancreas can still make it, is that it acts like an over-reactive boss. It usually responds out of proportion to the need. Sometimes way out of proportion. All that over-reacting insulin floating around in your blood stream helps make you fat by storing any and all extra energy or fuel or food, however you want to say it, as fat in your fat cells. You become a fat factory.

This reactive fat factory effect is why it is so common to hear the myth that you should snack between meals. To help even out your glucose levels and insulin response. Well, we've already covered that that's a load of crap. If you eat small plate peace sign meals you won't need to snack. Your glucose and insulin won't be riding on the fat roller coaster. Interestingly this same thing usually happens when you "diet." Your body fights back using this same mechanism. That is why you plateau on any "diet." Remember diets don't work.



about 45 carbs x 3 = 135 carbs

 Eat breakfast at the right time - This is why as soon as you wake up you should drink at least 8 ounces of water. It turns off this phenomenon. Then if you can, eat your power breakfast within in the next 20 to 40 minutes. That will keep the phenomenon from kicking in again, this time with a vengeance. The longer you wait to eat, the more your body fights against your weight loss efforts. So remember: 8 ounces of water before putting on your slippers and then a power breakfast within 40 minutes.

Make it a good breakfast - This is the meal that is going to set the tone for your body for the rest of the day. So make it a good breakfast. A good breakfast does 5 things:

1. A good breakfast levels out your glucose and insulin response. It will stop your body from making it's own sugar in the liver and dumping it into your blood.
2. A good breakfast will set the tone for your digestive system for the rest of the day. Processing food through the body in an expedient fashion is a key to good health so let's start pushing things along first thing in the morning.
3. A good breakfast will nutrify your body. Fuel you up. Clear your mind and get you ready to face the day.
4. A good breakfast will help you actually eat less over the entire day. It will control your hunger and reduce those fattening impulses that nobody can resist.



perfect breakfast

5. A good breakfast gives you the opportunity to go big. A good breakfast should not be your point of attack for eating less. If you eat less here or scale things back too radically you will get fatter. Eat less as the day goes on. In other words, it's exactly the opposite of what most of us are doing right now. If you're going to have a big meal today, make it the breakfast meal.

Eat the right things at breakfast - So keeping everything that comes before this in mind, what are the right things to eat at breakfast? First it doesn't come from a drive-thru window. Second you probably can't eat it in the front seat of your car. Here is my personal idea of the perfect breakfast: a 4 oz portion of oven poached salmon fillet that was lightly peppered and drizzled with olive oil (after cooking). About 1/2 a cup of fresh green beans that have been sauteed with olive oil and minced garlic. If you want to spice things up throw in some diced fresh tomato and some red pepper flakes, or you can toss in 2 Tbsp of salsa. If you use the tomato, eat the rest of it raw for your second vegetable. If you want you can cover each slice with some mozzarella and a basil leaf. If no tomato, then up to a cup of squash, zucchini, broccoli or carrots that have been sauteed with the green beans. Water to drink.

this breakfast is not logical

Do you notice the distinct absence of any members of the "WHITE DEATH" food group. There is no potato (sugar), whole grain anything (sugar), oatmeal (sugar), granola (sugar with sugar), pasta (sugar), rice (sugar) wheat or flour or grains or bread of any kind (sugar, sugar, sugar and sugar). Remember we are trying to turn your own body's sugar factory off. We're trying to shut down the fat factory. You don't fight fire with fire and you don't pour gasoline on a fire hoping that that stupid habit is going to help the situation.

There's also a distinct lack of fruit (sugar) or fruit juice (sugar) or milk (sugar). When you're trying to shut down the fat factory, my opinion of the worst possible breakfast you could eat would go like this: a cereal bowl filled with any dry cereal on the market (it's going to be 2 to 2 and a half portions - read the label and weigh your food every so often) topped with a cup and a half of fatty sugar water laced with a little protein and infused with vitamin D. Milk in other words. With that, we're gonna amp up our healthiness and pile on a half cup of strawberries or whatever other kind of sugarberries you have on hand. Let's not forget a glass of orange juice. And since where going big let's get out the bigassiago cheese bagel and spread it with as small a portion of garden vegetable cream cheese we can tolerate.

In other words: A big bowl of sugar drowning in sugar and topped with sugar and a glass of sugar with some sugar as big as your head (everybody knows the bigger the bagel the better it is right?) and a little bit of fat. Do you think that is going to turn off your body's sugar factory? Do you think that is going to shut down the fat factory? No. It won't.

your fat factory in the morning

It's going to sound the insulin panic alarm eight times louder than it has to be sounded, flooding your bloodstream with insulin squiring out of your pancreas beta cells as fast as it can be squirted into your bloodstream. The fat factory is going to be in full swing. The fat factory is going to have to add another shift and move to double shifts and offer overtime to make all that fat. Instant insulin overload first thing in the morning. Nice plan right?. No it isn't.

Your pancreas doesn't react to protein and fat. And while the carbs in the vegetables that I recommend will eventually have to be dealt with as sugar, those carbs take a lot longer to process so they don't cause a glucose jump or insulin spike. It takes your body a long time to move protein through your system and break it down into the amino acids that your body needs and uses. And that protein in there is going to slow down the absorption of any carbs you have ate.

or try this variation for breakfast

So eat your protein in the morning. Give your body time to do a good job for you. If you're going to have your biggest meal for breakfast, make it bigger with a quality protein. Or more vegetables. Or both. I recommend cold water fatty fish or other seafood. Eggs are perfect as well. Next best normal protein is chicken. I'm not afraid of beef, pork and sausage products either. Don't be afraid to experiment. Another perfect breakfast food is avocado. But if you don't know what it is and you can't tell what's in it, it probably doesn't belong in your breakfast. And don't forget bacon. Bacon is the king of meat.

Remember the peace sign portion technique and the smaller plate. All of that applies to breakfast too. If you're going to use a bigger plate at all today, now is the time to do it. I want you to notice too that there is no part of my perfect breakfast that came in a box or wrapper or a package of any kind really. Every thing in this meal came from an outside aisle in the grocery store. Nothing was frozen. Nothing has much of a shelf life. The goal is to eat the right things. Boxes and wrappers are no bueno. Sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar and sugar is not a good way to start the day. Space energy does not come from Sugar Smacks. Did you know that over 30% of the milk produced in this country is used on dry cereal? Eat the right things at breakfast.

11:55 - Snick. Beep. 115 mg/dL. Small plate and peace sign portion technique. 4 ounces of low-carb diabetic loaf of meat covered with 2 Tbsp of salsa. 1/3 cup of steamed peas poured over 2/3 cup of broccoli and a 1/2 cup of homemade mac & cheese with diced ham and frozen peas. 37 carbs. 54% of which come from the macaroni. 4 units of NovoLog insulin.

make ahead for breakfast

15:22 - I get on my new(er) bike and head out for a 15 or so minute warm up ride and then some Tabata intervals. After 36 minutes I have ridden for 10 miles and gasped and grimaced for maybe 3 miles. My legs hurt in places I didn't know I used and my body is sore from yesterday. I've got to get home and shower because there is a pizza party to go to tonight at church.

17:35 - Snick. Beep. 121 mg/dL. The Tabata intervals took my body into survival mode. Super hard effort work on the body always seems to raise my serum glucose, much for the same reasons it's usually higher in the morning. So another "no bad number" number and it's time for a pizza party.

Pizza. The round square meal and one of the worse foods a diabetic can eat. Taken as components, a pizza doesn't look like it would be so bad, but when you form it all into a pizza the synergistic effect of what comes out in the pan can destroy my efforts at controlling my blood glucose. My plan tonight is moderation. I plan to eat less. This is going to be hard because I'm the guy that can eat a whole pizza and usually do. Fortunately there is salad too.

or make this ahead for breakfast

I start with 6 units of NovoLog insulin. Then I build a big salad, piled on the biggest paper plate at the party. I grab 2 of the  thinnest slices of combination pizza I can find and sit down and eat. I get another biggest plate full of heaping salad and eat that. My resolve crumbles a little and I go back for one more thinnest slice of combination but there isn't any. I grab a thinnest slice of cheese. I eat another biggest plate heaping salad and then I go back for a fourth. My resolve gives up all pretense of solidarity and I watch myself wander over and grab a cupcake with chocolate icing and a little candy heart on top. The heart is yellow and it says: "WOW."

23:56 - I'm done working and almost ready for bed. I inject my 15 units of Lantis insulin and decide to pop a bowl of popcorn. I eat that. I don't want another low tonight.

Sippy Cups Bounce Funny

Wednesday 8 February, 2012

02:27 - I'm in bed sleeping, I think, and my feet feel funny. My hands and fingers are tingling too and suddenly my body is washed over with a hot flash. It feels kind of like a niacin rush if you've ever experienced that. It's the epinephrine (or adrenalin) and the cortisol going to work. Suddenly I'm wide awake and sitting up on the edge of the bed. I find my slippers to put them on, dropping one while doing so. This one won't go on upside down. Damn. I try again. Success.

I head down stairs and I can tell I'm leaning a little too much to the left and I'm hoping that I hit all the steps. My head feels like it's only slightly connected to my body and my eyes feel like they're only slightly connected to my head. My hands are shaky as I start to sweat and I know I'm having a hypoglycemic low. My mind is fumbling through the house mentally trying to figure out what I can get to put about 15 to 20 grams of carbs back in my system. I know I'm out of granola bars and the creme sandwich cookies didn't really measure up last time. I can't quite think normal straight, only low straight, but I know I've got to get to my blood monitor and see where my blood glucose is at.

Snick. Beep. 46 mg/dL. Low. Generally, the medically accepted definition of hypoglycemia is a serum glucose level (the amount of sugar or glucose in your blood) below 70 mg/dL. So that's dangerously low actually and I've got to find 25 grams of carbs right now. I look in the pantry and remember that there are no 18 grams of carbs granola bars left. I see the cookies and decide to pass. I stumble around and get to the fridge and really don't know or can't remember what I'm hoping to find there.

I don't have a can of orange juice and right now I'm wishing like crazy that I did. I think about trying to get down to my office and find an energy gel or two but I don't know if I can make it down the stairs to the basement. I can almost watch my mind trying to calculate how much ketchup I would have to squizzle down to get 25 grams of carbs back in my blood stream. I can't find any apple juice and desperation is starting to creep in. Ah milk. Got milk? Milk is just like fatty sugar water laced with a little protein and infused with vitamin D. Does a body good. I grab the milk and in my first real lucid moment since I got out of bed, I notice the sugar free chocolate syrup on the shelf and grab it too.

I fumble around with a sippy cup until I realize it's a sippy cup and grab a real cup out of the cabinet. Sippy cups bounce funny. I'll start with 1 cup of milk. 16 grams of carbs. I squirt in my 2 Tbsp of sugar free chocolate syrup getting it all over the side of the cup and my thumb and on the counter. That is 4 grams of carbs. I think. I can't find my whisk. I'm looking all over the counter but I can't find my whisk. Where the heck is my whisk? I look in the dish drainer, by the toaster oven, by the coffee maker, in the sink, in the dishwasher and at last think to look in the utensil drawer. Bingo. I bumble over and sit down at the dining room table and I drink my chocolate milk.

02:38 - I look at the clock, because I need about 15 minutes to pass so I can check my blood glucose again. My chocolate milk is gone in about 5 sips. It is surprisingly very very good. I can't even remember the last time I actually drank milk. When you have diabetes, fatty sugar water laced with a little protein and infused with vitamin D is one of the worst possible drinks to drink. It sure tasted good though. I try to restrain myself and practice moderation, but instead I give up quickly and pour myself another 1/2 cup of milk and add 1 Tbsp of chocolate syrup, this time getting it in the cup.

I'm starting to get some coordination back. Something as simple as stirring up a chocolate milk isn't as difficult as it was a few minutes ago and I sip my seconds a lot more slowly this time. My hands are still shaky and I'm getting cold and starting to shiver as the sheen of sweat starts to evaporate off my upper body as I sit and watch the clock. I think about adding a mini Reece's Peanut Butter Cup to my attack on this hypoglycemic low. Can't be more than 8 grams of carbs in one of those little tiny pieces of candy right? It's a mini and besides, peanut butter is good for me. I surrender to the candy immediately.

02:50 - Snick. Beep. 72 mg/dL. Back going up. Better now. Time to get back to sleep. I head back upstairs to get back in bed. I feel normal as far as normal goes except my feet are itching and tingling like they always do when my blood glucose is dropping quickly. My serum glucose isn't dropping quickly anymore, in fact it's doing the opposite, but the itchy tingling in my feet is a leftover early warning system that got here early and is staying here late this time.

As I quietly head back upstairs I know two things for sure. I wish my wife would have woke up to help me because I like her reassuring presence and she makes me feel safe when she is taking care of me and I know that I over did it. I didn't eat less. I know that I over corrected. I should have held off on the seconds and the candy. I know I should have but I didn't. I know I'm going to be going back to sleep and sleeping through the rest of the morning with a serum glucose level higher than it should be. How nice would it be to get it just right just one time?

I'm going to have a "no bad number" in the morning instead of a good number. I should have ate less. A little plus and little. Right? I wish it wasn't going to be the case, but I'd rather sleep with blood glucose too high than too low. Too high might kill me, but it's going to kill me later. Or kill me sooner but later on in life. Too low might kill me now. Right now. Okay I accept the trade-off as I vow to practice more restraint next time. To eat less next time. To do a better job next time. To not be so scared next time. I know there will be a next time. I know it will happen again. I crawl back in bed next to my wife and hold her. I feel safe again and I quietly fall back to sleep.

Bacon & Cupcakes

Tuesday 7 February 2012

bacon - the king of meat

07:40 - There's just something about bacon. I awoke this morning to the sound of my 6 year old daughter crying as she's getting ready for Kindergarten and the wonderful delicious smell of bacon. It seems my 8 year daughter won't get up and tighten the adjustment straps on my 6 year old's new jeans so they fit better. The house smells like bacon as I get up and walk to their bedroom to take my older daughter's temperature. She's sick - 103F - no school today for her.

My Kindergartner will be going to Kindergarten with jeans that fit a little loose because I can't figure out how to adjust the straps to make them tighter around the waist. I can't think straight with the smell of bacon in the air. My stomach is rumbling and my mouth starts watering. I love bacon. I love the smell of bacon. That wonderful bacon smell is permeating the entire house and when I go downstairs to get breakfast ready for my 5 year old daughter that wonderful bacon smell starts an even stronger more sensuous massaging of the inside of my nostrils. I am in a trance. I love bacon.

08:32 - Snick. Beep. 102 mg/dL. Better but still not great. It is so hard to be under 100 mg/dL in the morning. I drove my 5 year old to Kindergarten a bit ago and in my bacon trance I continued right on over to Maverick just like my 3 year old son told me to. I am a creature of habit and I've been on the wienie wrap diet for a while now and in my haze of bacon smell induced delirium what else could I do? When I got out of the van the crispy-cold morning air hit me and it kind of cleared my head a bit as it cleaned the bacon smell out of my nostrils. Inside the Maverick I grabbed two wienie wraps. Then I put one back. Lifestyle remember? I was thinking straight enough to put one back and only got one instead of two like I normally would.

c'mon back! beep beep beep beep

Back home, another injection of NovoLog insulin, this time 4 units, completed my wienie wrap breakfast as I sat in the dining room bathed in the lingering molecules of bacon essence that saturate the air in my house. I am back in the bacon trance. I love bacon. Where are those two leftover pieces of bacon from the circus waffle, scrambled egg and bacon dinner from two nights ago? It takes me a while as I find just about every conceivable leftover I have in the fridge but I finally find those two little slices of bacon hiding in a baggie underneath the jar of mayonnaise and I'm eating them now too.

There's only one thing better than cold leftover bacon and that's hot bacon right out of the skillet. I love bacon. There's only one thing better than hot bacon right out of the skillet and that's chocolate covered bacon. No carbs in bacon. There's only one thing better than chocolate covered bacon and that's bacon cupcakes. I love cupcakes too. Bacon and cupcakes. My two favorite food groups. Whenever I'm around one or the other or both, I usually eat them until they're gone. And that brings me to:

Fitness Rule #3 - Eat Less.

Wow! Really? Yes. If you want to loose weight, eat less. It sounds so easy. Thank goodness there were only two slices of bacon in the house this morning because I really love my bacon portions to be super-sized. And that's the problem with a lot of us. We live in an imaginary place called Super-Sized Land and we eat way more than we really need to. Eat less sounds easy. Unfortunately it is not easy. It is hard. Eating less is hard but let me bottom line it for you. If you want to loose weight you must eat less food.

How much food do we need? Really need? That is a different answer for everyone and I will leave you to figure that out. It will help you if you think of and see food for what it actually is. Food is nutrition for your body. Food is fuel. That is all it is and the reality of the situation is that if you are not at or near your ideal body weight you have taken food beyond what it is. You have been eating too much. You can try to justify it and rationalize it all you want but you are doing it wrong. You are consuming too many calories. If you need to lose weight you have been eating too much and you need to eat less. So remember: food is nutrition for your body and that is all it is.

really? really!

Now that you know it, how do you do it? I'm going to give you some pointers here. For something to work it has to be easy. Counting calories is not easy. Food exchanges are not easy. Points are not easy. Eating weird stuff is not easy. Meal plans are not that easy. There's a lot of stuff about eating and food and trying to loose weight that is not easy and I like easy. Loosing weight is not easy. These pointers should, however, make it easier.

Use a smaller plate - You need a lot less food than you think you do. Restaurant portions are monstrous. Restaurant portions are out of control and your portions at home probably are too. Instead of your normal plate, use a smaller one, and make sure that you can see at least a quarter inch of plate edge all around that smaller plate. Make it a challenge to see how small a plate you really need. Bonus for you if you use chopsticks instead of a shovel. You are just nutrifying your body. Giving your body a little bit of fuel. You've only got to make it through another few hours so take it easy. Food is not scarce anymore and you need much less than you think to get you through to the next smaller plate meal. Eat less.

Weigh your food once in a while - This should be fun. What exactly is a portion anyway? For every 14 carbs I eat, I have to inject a unit of NovoLog insulin. I have to know how many carbs are in my food so it's a little harder for me. I want you to weigh your food every once in a while. Just every so often so you can see what a portion really looks like. You might be surprised.

Mr. Bacon

I had some baby carrots yesterday. The bag said a portion was 85 grams and in that portion there were 8 carbs. The bag also said 85 grams was about 10 baby carrots. Well I weighed out 85 grams of baby carrots and found out that a portion was actually 7 baby carrots. It seems it would be 10 carrots only if I wanted to live in Super-Sized Land and I didn't want to live in Super-Sized Land yesterday.

When I got out of the hospital a little over two years ago, I wanted to have some ice cream. Just like the baby carrots a portion of ice cream was 85 grams. So my wife weighed me out 85 grams of ice cream. What the heck? Do you know how small 85 grams of ice cream is? Tiny small. Nothing like the "portion" of ice cream I was used to eating.

A portion of meat is a deck of cards right? A portion of meat fits in the palm of your hand right? Whatever. Get the scale out and weigh yourself out 4 or 5 ounces every so often so you know what it really looks like. After all, you might play with a pretty big deck of cards and when you want to, you can probably fit a lot of meat in the palm of your hand.

Weigh your food every once in a while and you will educate yourself about eating less.

Portion your smaller plate like a peace sign - If you want to loose weight do this:

• Red = a nice green vegetable. I recommend a lot of broccoli or brussel sprouts or zucchini or something similar. Eat what you like here in the red section but make it a good vegetable.
• Yellow = another nice vegetable of some type. I recommend carrots or cauliflower or squash or a salad or something similar. Eat what you like here in the yellow section but make it another good vegetable.
• Blue = protein. This is where your meat, or other protein, should fit. I recommend salmon or chicken or pork or beef or bacon or something similar. If you're not sure what it is or what it's made of, it probably shouldn't be in this section. 4 to 5 ounces is really all you need here in the blue section. Trust me it will fit.
• Green = starch (if you can't possibly live without it). This is where you put "THE WHITE DEATH." Things like rice, potatoes, breads, pastas and pretty much anything that comes in a box or wrapper. I want you to really think about that - box or wrapper - think about that for a minute. If you're going to shovel garbage into your body that you really don't need and will contribute to making you fat, put it here in the green section. If you're going to have dessert, it goes here. Even if it's bacon. Even if it's fruit. Bonus for you if using this space for fruit instead of starch. Double bonus if that fruit is avocado. Triple bonus if you substitute yet another vegetable.

Think about it - Make this a game. Find those "ghost calories" that you really don't need. Eat less. Think about what you put in or on or with your food. Did you really need all that cheese in that recipe? Probably not. See how much you can scale that back without sacrifice. Do you really need that half a cup of barbecue sauce to dip your bacon into? Probably not.

this will give you a smile!

Look at the label and see how many calories you can save your love handles. Need that ketchup? That much salad dressing? Two slices of cheese instead of one? All that chocolate sauce on your ice cream? All that chocolate sauce on your bacon? All that chocolate covered bacon on your ice cream? That soda? 72 ounces of that soda? Remember that food is nutrition for your body. Do you really need any of those "ghost calories" to do that? If you think about it, it will be easier to eat less.

You don't NEED snacks - Hard to believe, I know. The experts have been telling us for years that a little healthy snack between meals is good for us and will help regulate our glucose and insulin levels and help us loose weight. Unfortunately that's a load of crap. Snacks are nothing more than a load of crap too. They are a load of crap that we have been backing up to our mouth in dump trucks, dumping into our mouths in the name of eating right, while wondering why we're getting love handles on our spare tires. C'mon back! Beep beep beep.

hoink!

Let me set the record straight. You don't need snacks. You don't need snacks. You don't need snacks. You don't need snacks. You don't need snacks. You need don't snacks. You that read wrong. You read that wrong too. Don't be fooled with all the feel good talk about snacks. The bottom line is that snacks are calories you don't need. If you eat too much you will get fat. Eating snacks is one of the surest ways to eat too much. Eat less.

Take off the blinders and think about snacks for a moment. Do you really need that snack? You have to make it, what, another three to five hours before your next nutritious peace sign on a smaller plate meal? Sorry to break the good news to you but you don't need a snack. Investigate the portions on snacks. Look at the calories. If you use the peace sign, you won't have glucose and insulin spikes to worry about. And it doesn't matter what the snack is. That 300 calorie vegan protein energy bar with chia and hemp is basically just a dump truck of extra love handleage backing up to your mouth. C'mon back! Beep beep beep.

game's so fun it'll give you pig snorts

 If you use the peace sign to nutrify your body, you won't need a snack to help you make it through the next little while. Drink a glass of water or go for a walk instead. Or suck on a chewable vitamin C, which is what I do, or a whole clove. If you use a smaller plate and know what portions really look like and use the peace sign and really think about what you're doing you will be fine. Losing weight will be easier. Every time you are lifting your hand to your mouth I want you to hear that dump truck full of crap backing up to your mouth. C'mon back. Beep beep beep beep beep beeeep. Eat less.

12:48 - Snick. Beep. 105 gm/dL. Later I'm planning to work out so for lunch I eat more carbs (64g) than I normally would. Lunch includes a microwaved frozen burrito, a corn dog baked in the toaster oven and only half a portion of steamed frozen peas. Ironically enough, a portion of peas is 2/3 cup or 85 grams. There's that 85 grams again. Have you ever seen 85 grams of frozen peas? I love peas but that's a lot of peas and well more than I need.

Does any of this lunch sound like a diet. Probably not. Diets don't work. Lifestyle maybe. Let's call this a lifestyle lunch. I could eat burritos and corn dogs the rest of my life for sure. After all, the only way to make them better is to wrap them in bacon. But let me go over this with you. All of this lifestyle lunch fit on the tiniest plate I could find. I didn't really use the peace sign unless you count the corn in corn dog and maybe consider the beans in the burrito a vegetable. But I did think about what I was doing and that's were I really hit the payoff.

there should always be bacon in the fridge

Usually I would have had at least 2 corn dogs with the burrito and perhaps a second burrito. I dipped my corn dog in zero calorie mustard instead of sugary calorie laden ketchup or barbecue sauce. Normally I would cover each burrito with at least 2 Tbsp of sour cream, 2 or 3 ounces of shredded cheddar cheese and a Tbsp or two of salsa - all extra food that I didn't really need today. Did I enjoy my lunch any less? No. I didn't hear the dump truck backing up to my mouth either. A little plus a little. I ate less.

17:03 - I just spent 30 minutes spinning tempo with my bike on the trainer. My body is warmed up and I am sweating like a pig. Pulse is 120. Now it's time to work out. I think you will be amazed at how long this takes me. Actually, how short an amount of time it takes me is a more accurate way to put it. And we will cover that part of fitness and weight loss later in the week. That is another Fitness Rule. Fitness Rule #5 actually.

17:14 - I'm done working out. I'm three times sweatier than before and my pulse is 156. I'm going to be sore tomorrow and right now my hands are shaky. I need to check my blood glucose and it's time for a quick shower before work. I've got to go upstairs.

147! what the heck just happened in my mitochondria???

Snick. Beep. 67 mg/dL. That's too low, or "a low" as diabetics say. Two quick creme sandwich cookies and a quick shower. Snick. Beep. 82 mg/dL. Normal. That's where a normal persons blood glucose would be. My arms and hands are still shaking and my legs are a bit wobbly from working out. I will definitely be sore tomorrow.

19:08 - Snick. Beep. 147 mg/dL. Seems my blood glucose has bounced back. A little too much. Oops. Looks like one cookie might have done the trick not two. Eat less remember? Dinner is a 4.4 ounce portion of low-carb diabetic loaf of meat covered with 2 Tbsp of salsa, a cup of steamed broccoli and 7 baby carrots. 4 Units of NovoLog insulin should do the trick. Later tonight when I'm done working I'll inject my 15 units of Lantis insulin then I'm going to sleep and dream about bacon and cupcakes. I will see you in the morning for breakfast.

Diets Don't Work

Monday 6 February 2012

07:46 - The scale says 182.8 first thing this morning so I'm going to round the number to 183 pounds and that's the start to me obeying my Fitness Rule #1. That's the start of me measuring. The goal this week is to loose 6 pounds. I've written it on a sticky note and put that sticky note on my computer monitor. My hope is that the sticky note will help me stay focused. Like a laser beam. We will see how it goes.

08:40 - Snick. Beep. 130 mg/dL. People with diabetes and the diabetes "educators" will tell you that there are "no bad numbers - no bad blood glucose readings." They say that any reading is not good or bad but "just information" so that you can make a decision about managing your blood glucose. OK whatever. I say that's crap. 130 mg/dL is a bad reading first thing in the morning.

If that's your "no bad number" every morning of your life, you're going to die sooner and have more complications and more serious complications and enjoy those more serious complications sooner and longer than you would if you had had more good numbers every morning. No fooling. A good number is better than a "no bad number" for sure. I think you can judge good and bad by the results they produce. Again, measure what's important.

Take 1 with every meal and 1 at bedtime

08:43 - 4 units of NovoLog insulin injected into the subcutaneous tissue around my stomach, one fried egg (from some great friends who raise chickens) with about an ounce of shredded cheddar cheese melted on top and then covered with 2 Tbsp of salsa and a Carbmaster yogurt (a Kroger brand and found locally at Smith's - I highly recommend) is my breakfast this morning. Also a cup of coffee with Sweet'N Low to round things out and this brings me to:

Fitness Rule #2 - Diets don't work. Lifestyles do.

This rule should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever tried a diet or tried to diet. Noun or verb, it doesn't matter. Diets don't work. Lifestyles work. I have tried a few diets over the years. I remember, and not fondly, the Cabbage Soup Diet, The Cookie Diet and lately I've been enjoying the Wienie Wrap Diet at Maverick most mornings, much to the chagrin of my wife. I guess you can diet for a while or do a diet for a little bit, but long-term, diets don't work. The only thing that I've seen diets accomplish is to line the wallets of their inventors with crisp dollar bills. Even so, we are drawn to diets like a moth to a flame.

If you want lasting health and weight control, you will need to adopt a healthy lifestyle. Sorry there are no shortcuts. A healthy lifestyle takes time to develop and I don't think it's natural so it will probably take some work. A healthy lifestyle adheres to one of my favorite principles: "a little plus a little." Big, radical, sweeping change may be exciting or fun for a while but it doesn't work long-term. Especially with diets. Slow, methodical, well thought out progress will be your key to success.

Clasp your hands together right now as you're reading this. Now try to clasp them a different way, crisscrossing different fingers than you normally do. Hard isn't it? Habits take time to develop, even bad ones, and take even longer to break. We are creatures of habit whether we like it or not and unfortunately so are our bodies. If you diet your body will resist you. Your body will fight back. It is how we are hard-wired together. Our bodies resist starvation. It's the survival instinct.

Change has to happen slowly. It has to seem natural. It has to feel natural to your body. Anybody can loose weight quickly by doing or eating just about anything. Or maybe I should say BUY doing or eating just about anything. But your body will fight back and you won't be successful unless the changes you are making are something you can stick with long-term.

If you have to completely overhaul your pantry, or go to the store and buy a bunch of stuff that you've never had in your pantry before, you're probably dieting. For lunch I'm going to have a vegan, chia, hemp, whey protein isolate shake with freeze dried bitter melon standardized extract, psyllium husk fiber, pickled avocados and fresh hand-picked goju ryu kata berries. Not really. I'm just kidding. Do you think I could do that everyday? Could you? Does that sound like a lifestyle or a diet?

If you are dieting, or on a diet, you're doing it wrong. Oops. Change your lifestyle instead and you will find success with your fitness and weight goals. Take your time and change bad habits. Create new good habits. Use what you know. Use what you have and change it gradually over time. Find good useful information, preferably from someone who is not selling something to you. Remember: a little plus a little. That's how it works. Slowly. Over time. Diets don't work. Lifestyles do. Change your lifestyle.

12:57 - Snick. Beep. 130 mg/dL. What the heck? Another bad number. Lunch is 2 panko breaded oven fried chicken tenders with a slice of mozzarella (it was going to be 2 slices of mozzarella but I put one back) and 2 Tbsp of salsa, 1 cup of steamed broccoli florets, 7 raw baby carrots, 2 Tbsp of blue cheese dressing and 5 units of NovoLog insulin. Half way through my lunch, I realized that I really only needed one chicken tender so I put one back to eat later. Diet? No. Lifestyle. I can eat like this and put stuff back the rest of my life.

15:24 - I get the old bike out and take it around for 21 miles of mostly flat tempo riding in the cold air. It's sunny and deceptive because it looks like it should be warm, but a North wind is extremely crisp and I can feel the cold through my windstopper gear. I'm riding mostly North and South and I'm very grateful for the tailwind to push me back home. I empty a bidon of water. On a side note, it feels good to ride around on a wheelset that I built with my own hands. Every time I ride the old bike, I like it a little more.

17:22 - Snick. Beep. 103 mg/dL. Better but not great. Someone without type 1 diabetes might have sucked down an energy gel or two or three and still have been able to make it home with a blood glucose reading of 83 mg/dL. I don't consume a thing and my result is telling me that I didn't ride very hard and I knew that while I was doing it. Dinner is the chicken tender that I put back at lunch with the mozzarella and the salsa, 7 steamed baby carrots and a heaping cup of steamed broccoli topped with Italian dressing and Tony's. I also had a 1/4 cup of homemade macaroni and cheese with diced ham and peas and 4 units of NovoLog insulin. Tonight I didn't put anything back. In fact, I snuck over and took a couple extra bites of the mac&cheese. Whoops! What a backslider.

23:32 - About 2 hours ago I ate a bowl of freshly popped popcorn. Now as I head off to bed, I am injecting my 15 units of Lantis insulin. This is the basal stuff. It takes the place of my pancreas basically and helps my body process blood glucose all day tomorrow. You might be reading this and think OK nothing too outrageous here and you would be right. Frankly that's the point I'm trying to make as I share Fitness Rule #2 with you. A little plus a little. Diets don't work. Lifestyles do.

Please post your comments. Thanks.

Obey The Rules

Sunday 5 February 2012 - 01:46

I'm going to spend a week and obey the rules. That's Rule #1 after all so I will put forth 100% effort. I'm not talking about Rule #14 or Rule #54 or The Rules or even The New Rules. I'm talking about something different and I'm going to hold myself accountable right here. I passed a sign on my last ride outside of an Anytime Fitness location. It said "no ifs no ands no ugly butts." Closer to home I passed another. It said "is your gut trying to tell you something?"

It was a sign. Actually two signs. So I'm going to go to bed now and obey a rule I have about rest which I'll share with you later in the week. Tomorrow I'm going to get up and weigh myself, report it here and chronical my diet and exercise over the course of this next week. As I go through this, I'm going to share my "Fitness Rules" with you here (there are 7) and together we will see what a week of obeying the rules will bring.

Fitness Rule #1 - That which gets measured gets improved.

This rule is absolute truth. Whether it's work or fitness or anything else in life, if you don't measure something it will either not improve or improve so slowly and haphazardly that it will be close to meaningless. If you have a goal and you want to reach it you will need to measure your progress. Not measuring is safe. Not measuring is easy. So like most anything worthwhile, improving will take some effort.

I'm not going to have a rule about setting goals. If you are someone who needs a rule about that, shame on you. Hit Google and you'll find tons of info that can help you get started there. My goal for this week is to lose 6 pounds and if you follow along, I think you will enjoy what you can learn about diet and fitness and if it helps you with your life then I feel like I have accomplished something worthwhile. Your feedback will be how I measure that, so please leave some comments.

Almost Normal

It's been about two years and three months since I almost died in the Riverton Hospital. I remember a lot of things about my trip to and my stay there but there are a lot of things I don't remember either. That's probably a good thing too. I do remember homemade pot stickers because I think that might have been the last thing I ate a couple of days before my wife drove me to the emergency room. Or it could have been French Onion Soup. I remember getting into the car for the drive there and then it mostly becomes a blur for a couple of days. I remember laying in the ER though, and how bright it was and I remember them checking my blood glucose.

I remember multiple IVs in both arms and using a bed pan for a couple of days. I remember x-rays and always being cold laying in my room. It was a brand new hospital and they didn't have an ICU so I remember them having conversations about whether or not I should be transferred and I remember begging them to let me stay there because it was close to home and my kids and my wife so they found a room that had a window on the door and they let me stay there in Riverton. I remember the staff from the lab coming into my room what seemed like all the time to take my blood. I remember SpongeBob running upside down across my ceiling and melting down to the floor when he ran across one of the lights.

I was there for over two weeks. They eventually ran out of places to locate an IV catheter and I remember being in tears not wanting another needle in my arms. They would not let me go home and it got to the point where I would not let them inject me another time to install an IV. Most of my regimen was switched to pills at that point and it got to where I could barely swallow food much less pills. I remember getting up a few times and trying to walk around a little bit and I remember my wife pushing me around in a wheelchair because I couldn't walk around. It was awful and my body wasted away to 138 pounds.

I had developed diabetic ketoacidosis after a long bout with hyperglycemia and I was about 3 inches away from a coma and about 9 inches away from death when my wife had finally had enough of me insisting I would get better while my body insisted on exponentially getting worse and she took me to the hospital. I was in bad shape and while I was there the doctors figured out I had pneumonia and H1N1 (swine) flu on top of my blood glucose and ketone issues. While there I was formally introduced to insulin analogs and the subsequent injections after having refused to use or even admit that I needed to use them for the years since I was diagnosed with diabetes.

Insulin has saved my life. Not from the dying part per se, but from the degenerative part. The part where you lose your vision because the capillaries in your retinas are exploding. The part where you have to amputate one of your feet because you got a little cut on the bottom of your foot that would never heal. The part that puts your butt on a scooter for the rest of your life. The parts like that. In retrospect I wish now that I had embraced insulin long before my stay in the hospital a little over two years ago. How much irreversible damage was done while I stubbornly refused to admit the need? Heredity does not heed denial. Autoimmune diseases don't really care what you think or how you feel. If you're stupid they will kill you.

So I am unique. My body won't process glucose like a normal person's body does. There are extra things I have to do to stay alive. Injecting insulin analogs into my body at least four times a day is one of many of those extra things. Riding my bike is another and one I enjoy immensely more. Almost every time I ride, I ride by the Riverton Hospital. Almost every ride is a flashback. A reminder. It reminds me of how when I went home I couldn't make it up the three steps from the garage to the kitchen door without taking a break to catch my breath and work up the energy to make it another step. It reminds me of the cramp in my right leg bicep that resulted from that three step climb.

Every time I ride by that hospital it reminds me to try. Try to eat right. Try to stay healthy. Try harder on the bike. Try to remember to check my blood glucose. Try to admit that I have type 1 diabetes. Try to admit that it's OK to embrace insulin. Try to not have excuses. Try to live longer. Try to not have a low. Try to keep all my body part working. Try. Try. Try. I try to forget about SpongeBob melting off the ceiling and then I remember that trying won't work for me. Trying won't process the glucose. Trying won't keep me alive. Trying doesn't really help me that much. For me it is do or do not. Do or die.

It's only been a couple of stints on the trainer this week and I have missed being out on the road more. My season has started and with that, I have started "training" for it. Training sounds great until you actually start doing it. Then it hurts. The other night I wanted to vomit and pass out while my wife was helping time me on intervals of 10 speeds. She told me "don't quit." Strong words. But my wife understands the do or do not. She understands the extra things. She understands the do or die. When I was done doing on the trainer and could make it back upstairs, I checked my blood glucose. It was 90mg/dL. I almost felt like a normal person. Almost normal. Almost.